THE WHOLE TRUTH

The whole truth- Da. Truth

And since I decided to be open with you, to bare all and leave my soul clinging to yours. When my pride was high and the sun shining in that glorious bluish sky, I looked at you and at the surface saw joy, I saw your hands turn red from the heat of the sun whilst mine just remained brown as they are

Even then, whilst open, apparently I overlooked myself. So let’s cut deeper, go deeper into the issues that ensued now that the sun is no longer shinning and now that your joy is hatred. Yes

This is the whole truth.

Let’s sit and face the person in the mirror though it’s the most uncomfortable and unbearable topics to broach. Like this child holding a bear.  Let me not start on the emotions it evoked inside of me. End results in a stream of tears I cannot control. Can you imagine giving up something you thought you depended on without the assurance of getting another? And you imagine the audacity muster in order to hit delete on my phone. You don’t know what happened. Really cut deep into me.

It was just a picture I saw. I picture I briefly skimmed over but it’s enough for the attachment to memories I have of your favourite team and you. Because I was there. Better still we were there together.  Cheering because number 14 had just come on.

Was I blinded? I mean I know I should use my glasses more but was I blind? Did I loss complete function of my pupils? How was light been let through but I could not see your shadows?

I am tasked with forgiveness.  Of self. I think that’s a topic to be breached later.

‘He gives us power to believe we are in control’

Have you seen a bunch of crabs in a bucket? How selfish they are in bringing each other down.  No one makes it. Selfish desires lead to bleeding hearts that the Cross can only bind. This is for me. Us. To ones that still cry, maybe not on the bathroom floor but even with smiles all around hearts bled, as my pen scribbles across my page in my cancer biology class.

 

But You made it so. So that before I fell my pride fell long and hard. You gave me exactly what I thought I needed and wanted only to snatch it away as quickly as you gave it to show how much I really didn’t need it.

The irony!

It takes death to appreciate life. Takes sorrow to experience joy. Takes heartbreak to know what love is

And here is the truth: no matter how much a big of a deal I made it and make it now there was no love gained. Nada

No even walks on Cadiz’s great beaches because that never happened anyway.

I become myself in the midst of this. Letting it refine me in ways I never knew. It’s been a long time without your presence and how could I have thought, I could do this without you. Father? You let me fall so I could rise to a higher level. And whilst soul is purging, draw me closer until it’s healed. Forgiveness because I am forgiven. And I let go of my bear in order for hands to be empty to receive from you.

And he says pray more and worry less. And new words been spoken to me will have effects at a later stage. He says with time I can show you what real love is supposed to be.

It wasn’t all them. I had my part to play to and I accept my responsibility in the part I had to play in order to break my heart.  Still these words are over me

‘I am not consumed because of your great love’

Lamentations 3.22