Maybe the sunshine makes me cold because of you.

But maybe I am also giving more importance to you than I should.

Maybe. I have come to terms that I may be doing that now. Maybe.

Why do I keep chasing something that bids me not to run?

Maybe its because of that one morning in Barcelona where hearts were open. It was then I loved you. Maybe I still do thats why this is hard.

‘I don’t want to be something you didn’t do’

But maybe you want that for a forever that was only temporary because forever isn’t really for ever?


And I have come to hate the disgrace I have brought on me.  These tears are not bound to my room alone.  I wipe my tears of my brother’s sleeve, wondering if anyone could see/feel what I do.

Maybe the tears are falling because of the sunshine, or because the cold now brings joy?

Maybe because I thought you would be the same as me, and I was right.

But in this storm, I saw Him walking on water. The last I saw Him was on the mountain top so what is He doing here? Maybe I am dreaming. But to stay in this boat will be the death of me.

And suicide, mother didn’t know either. That other side seen but just let me go deeper. And so you get the message, I’ll put it in perspective I was waking up at night asking am I still elected Or rather was I ever, wanting to die since that’s better than living life as a hostage in time. Am I crossing the line? Here’s some thoughts in my mind – S.O

I could not ask for a better way of describing my new job than the words above.

Maybe my tears are an indication of been scared to be happy without you.


Back to the boat. With waves rocking, boats shaking. I look around to see panic on their faces. And somehow all the faces are mine. Same voice different words. Stay or jump.  And with the shore so far away the most likely choice is to jump.

Is this my fault? Did I not heed the warning signs? Weather all week has been rough yet I decide to go ‘boat racing’. In a race for a prize that isn’t even promised. And a prize that may not want to be won. Strange. Well I’m here now and I’m sinking fast.

‘if it is You, bid me to come’


It wasn’t a dream. There was peace and quiet. The others looked on as I stepped out and walked on water. Until I was a flash of the prize then suddenly I was sinking. That’s when He reached out and caught me

So maybe I am walking on water.

And this pain will not last. Storms always come to an end. I pray you do not sink.

(So I ask myself) Why are you downcast my soul, hope in the Lord/See Him hanging there on the pole for the filthest thoughts/The most wicked of hearts, He died for you S know it/This is truth, objective how do you then blow/Repentance and faith, bear fruit man show it/Have that cross up in face endure and know Him/Be strong in the grace that’s found solely in Him/Satan will pray tricks by reminding you of your sin/But He died for them all, remember Calvary again/Never let it leave your brain/and things will never be the same/The Lamb of God was truly slain, rose up from the grave though/And justified in His name up the praise go!/Yeah, and that will never change/This that high up on the ride that I better crave/My help and my God who is centre stage/And His Spirit in I no better way/- S.O

this is for us. The ones in the storm. The ones fighting everyday. Peace will come. x

‘its definitely hard, cant say it isn’t.’

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