spokenword – sarah fynn

ONE HEART

It’s time to take a much needed break from hair updates and go back to some poetry. This is from one heart to another

I have a soul

I am a spirit in this physical casing supposed to see me through this journey. I am His creation, His daughter, the physical embodiment of His vision and purpose.

With every curve I was turned, pruned, trimmed until He was pleased. He called me His beloved and I became His

Enveloped in His presence, surrounded by His love

Until whispers of sweeting nothings enticed the flesh I had. It became so full of nothing that when it finally emptied itself it was still yearning for more.

How?

Why?

The black lace that covered the fire made it look enticing. I could not keep my hands off it. My eyes could not get its fill. Awake at night in the heat of the moment, sweat beads formed as my pores opened for release

Yet still wanting more

And I sighed, affirmingly

Back arched as I fought against her to take him. This is what you wanted right.

Sinking into depths when he exhaled. Tears poured out. Was it love? Was it the deep darkness that pierced my eyes? And suddenly the lace is removed and the fire seems to burn now.

It hurts. Lord. Please.

And so it’s over. As quickly as it began. And I’m left curled in the foetal position begging for a Saviour forgetting He is close by. As fresh tears fall I begin to feel His presence, more tears and He’s touching me

The heart that was burned is beginning to heal, in that split second gravity let’s go of me and I arise. Soar into His arms once again. Cushioned by His Love

Again.

Months later

It was just a song that reminded me of us. Just the beat of the drums evoke memories of the fire we started. I find myself craving you again. Wondering if I could have you one last time.

I catch myself.

I am His daughter. How can I crave fire? Was I not healed? Am I not healed?

Yes

I am His daughter. And I can push harder and fight. I am reminded in that same moment to pursue heavenly thoughts and not return to the darkness from which I fought so hard to come from.

Sarah this is for you. This is for us, the broken ones. The ones that were burnt by the very flame we fanned. The ones whom dysfunction were our new normal.

Because God loves you. Because He never left you. Because if you could really and truly fall into His arms He would show you His heart. Because after wondering all over and loving everything you see, you were too afraid of loving your scars, you denied His beauty for you. And when He called you beautiful and touched you intimately, you could not recognise how amazing that moment truly was because you didn’t even know what had happened.

You are special. If only you could believe me when I tell you, I look down upon you in heaven and I am pleased with you. You needed to hear that.

I am pleased with you

I AM PLEASED WITH YOU

Become the girl you dream off, do not put her aside any longer because you feel you are not ready. Be her in the midst of the frustration, confusion, anger and hurt. She was made for those times. The fire has burnt you enough, it’s time for her to soar. Oh let me do my work! Do not let another die before I can get your attention again.

Sarah let love flow in you. That unfamiliar feeling with all its vulnerabilities. Do it right because you are my daughter. I will replenish you if that’s what you are wondering. Let potential be kinetic and move forth!

This is for anyone that is hurting or has been hurt by broken relationships. God sees your tears and feels your pain. The breakthrough is coming! It’s almost morning!

Be encouraged. This pain is so necessary to take you to the next level and after you have been through share whilst others are going through

A new day is coming

From one heart to another

Love

Sarah

THIS PICTURE

It’s true
Just mentions of the places we have been to together triggers emotions
I wonder how it’s been so long and I am still locked in place like a lock and key model from science at GCSE
It’s that time of the night
Where whispers of my past interrupt with my thoughts for the future
3am knows all my secrets. My pressure points and weaknesses
struggling to see by my laptop light as i write these tears in my journal.
It’s the usual
how and why did I cause myself so much pain?

4am
Dig deeper.
Forget how useful the branches look and get to the root.

He was my sin, a pain I once loved and held on too dearly
Difficult to swallow- take responsibility for your part

His interlude
2.45am

Did I love her?
Or was she just accessible and readily available

Was it love?

Or a mere like because I was fascinated by her

A high school crush like feeling been experience now that I am in university

She was different from the rest

And I was draw to that not really understanding it or stopping to think if I could handle it

4.30am her

Sarah it’s time to lay to rest

Yh it was real nice

But the devil wears Prada

And boy did it look good

Got you thinking don’t it

You aint no victim

Release the pain and let healing flow

Rest will come if you sit by still waters

He’s waiting. Go on up

Christ compels you.

Last year I learnt about heartbreak that left me gasping for the very air I breathe

Taking me higher and leaving me breathless whilst still tryna perform CPR on me

And in this year I found love

And loves shaped as a cross

And it’s coloured red

And I can’t believe I was standing in his presence asking for love but accepting a cheap imitation of it elsewhere

MONOLOGUES FROM FOR COLOURED GIRLS

If you haven’t seen the movie or read the book. Please do!

“i loved you on purpose

i was open on purpose

And even though it didn’t seem like it I did. With scars and open wounds. I made that decision. And I was to face the consequences. Maybe for you it was the first day you saw me, for me it took a while. I know what hasty decisions can feel like but still it would seem that ‘after loving you assiduously for 8 months 2 wks & a day’ it was a hasty decision. And I am reminded of your words ‘ I don’t care if you open to me.. if two days later you will break up with me’ in the midst of loving you and crying at the same god damn time!

i still crave vulnerability & close talk

yet now I am rendered useless to another.

& i’m not even sorry bout you bein sorry

you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna

just dont give it to me

Don’t you dare blame this on me. Its too much of an insult to carry along with knowing you were going to be a memory but carrying on anyway. And of course I had my part to play and youre not even sorry. I just don’t know you anymore.

i cant use another sorry

next time

you should admit

you’re mean/ low-down/ triflin/ & no count straight out

and the truth is no matter how bad a picture I paint of you in my head, my hearts knows the different. So maybe you were telling lies and maybe you were truthful, even either what remains is I loved.

steada bein sorry alla the time

enjoy bein yrself”

enjoy the sunshine you have. You would never have to feel my cold again.

― Ntozake Shange, for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf

“Through my tears

I found god in myself

and I loved her fiercely”

― Ntozake Shange

They fell like racing cars in Indianapolis 500. Like I was going for the some-what-promised-prize. Like it ever meant a thing to you. So in the midst of my tears for you but really they were mine. I can no longer give you that honour.

Its not worth that.

I found a God who bleeds like me.

And in finding that, I loved me(Him) with every scar WE caused.

It seems throwing everything out only worked for the things you bought.