heartbreak – sarah fynn

THIS PICTURE

It’s true
Just mentions of the places we have been to together triggers emotions
I wonder how it’s been so long and I am still locked in place like a lock and key model from science at GCSE
It’s that time of the night
Where whispers of my past interrupt with my thoughts for the future
3am knows all my secrets. My pressure points and weaknesses
struggling to see by my laptop light as i write these tears in my journal.
It’s the usual
how and why did I cause myself so much pain?

4am
Dig deeper.
Forget how useful the branches look and get to the root.

He was my sin, a pain I once loved and held on too dearly
Difficult to swallow- take responsibility for your part

His interlude
2.45am

Did I love her?
Or was she just accessible and readily available

Was it love?

Or a mere like because I was fascinated by her

A high school crush like feeling been experience now that I am in university

She was different from the rest

And I was draw to that not really understanding it or stopping to think if I could handle it

4.30am her

Sarah it’s time to lay to rest

Yh it was real nice

But the devil wears Prada

And boy did it look good

Got you thinking don’t it

You aint no victim

Release the pain and let healing flow

Rest will come if you sit by still waters

He’s waiting. Go on up

Christ compels you.

Last year I learnt about heartbreak that left me gasping for the very air I breathe

Taking me higher and leaving me breathless whilst still tryna perform CPR on me

And in this year I found love

And loves shaped as a cross

And it’s coloured red

And I can’t believe I was standing in his presence asking for love but accepting a cheap imitation of it elsewhere

THE WHOLE TRUTH

The whole truth- Da. Truth

And since I decided to be open with you, to bare all and leave my soul clinging to yours. When my pride was high and the sun shining in that glorious bluish sky, I looked at you and at the surface saw joy, I saw your hands turn red from the heat of the sun whilst mine just remained brown as they are

Even then, whilst open, apparently I overlooked myself. So let’s cut deeper, go deeper into the issues that ensued now that the sun is no longer shinning and now that your joy is hatred. Yes

This is the whole truth.

Let’s sit and face the person in the mirror though it’s the most uncomfortable and unbearable topics to broach. Like this child holding a bear. Let me not start on the emotions it evoked inside of me. End results in a stream of tears I cannot control. Can you imagine giving up something you thought you depended on without the assurance of getting another? And you imagine the audacity muster in order to hit delete on my phone. You don’t know what happened. Really cut deep into me.

It was just a picture I saw. I picture I briefly skimmed over but it’s enough for the attachment to memories I have of your favourite team and you. Because I was there. Better still we were there together. Cheering because number 14 had just come on.

Was I blinded? I mean I know I should use my glasses more but was I blind? Did I loss complete function of my pupils? How was light been let through but I could not see your shadows?

I am tasked with forgiveness. Of self. I think that’s a topic to be breached later.

‘He gives us power to believe we are in control’

Have you seen a bunch of crabs in a bucket? How selfish they are in bringing each other down. No one makes it. Selfish desires lead to bleeding hearts that the Cross can only bind. This is for me. Us. To ones that still cry, maybe not on the bathroom floor but even with smiles all around hearts bled, as my pen scribbles across my page in my cancer biology class.

But You made it so. So that before I fell my pride fell long and hard. You gave me exactly what I thought I needed and wanted only to snatch it away as quickly as you gave it to show how much I really didn’t need it.

The irony!

It takes death to appreciate life. Takes sorrow to experience joy. Takes heartbreak to know what love is

And here is the truth: no matter how much a big of a deal I made it and make it now there was no love gained. Nada

No even walks on Cadiz’s great beaches because that never happened anyway.

I become myself in the midst of this. Letting it refine me in ways I never knew. It’s been a long time without your presence and how could I have thought, I could do this without you. Father? You let me fall so I could rise to a higher level. And whilst soul is purging, draw me closer until it’s healed. Forgiveness because I am forgiven. And I let go of my bear in order for hands to be empty to receive from you.

And he says pray more and worry less. And new words been spoken to me will have effects at a later stage. He says with time I can show you what real love is supposed to be.

It wasn’t all them. I had my part to play to and I accept my responsibility in the part I had to play in order to break my heart. Still these words are over me

‘I am not consumed because of your great love’

Lamentations 3.22

MONOLOGUES FROM FOR COLOURED GIRLS

If you haven’t seen the movie or read the book. Please do!

“i loved you on purpose

i was open on purpose

And even though it didn’t seem like it I did. With scars and open wounds. I made that decision. And I was to face the consequences. Maybe for you it was the first day you saw me, for me it took a while. I know what hasty decisions can feel like but still it would seem that ‘after loving you assiduously for 8 months 2 wks & a day’ it was a hasty decision. And I am reminded of your words ‘ I don’t care if you open to me.. if two days later you will break up with me’ in the midst of loving you and crying at the same god damn time!

i still crave vulnerability & close talk

yet now I am rendered useless to another.

& i’m not even sorry bout you bein sorry

you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna

just dont give it to me

Don’t you dare blame this on me. Its too much of an insult to carry along with knowing you were going to be a memory but carrying on anyway. And of course I had my part to play and youre not even sorry. I just don’t know you anymore.

i cant use another sorry

next time

you should admit

you’re mean/ low-down/ triflin/ & no count straight out

and the truth is no matter how bad a picture I paint of you in my head, my hearts knows the different. So maybe you were telling lies and maybe you were truthful, even either what remains is I loved.

steada bein sorry alla the time

enjoy bein yrself”

enjoy the sunshine you have. You would never have to feel my cold again.

― Ntozake Shange, for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf

“Through my tears

I found god in myself

and I loved her fiercely”

― Ntozake Shange

They fell like racing cars in Indianapolis 500. Like I was going for the some-what-promised-prize. Like it ever meant a thing to you. So in the midst of my tears for you but really they were mine. I can no longer give you that honour.

Its not worth that.

I found a God who bleeds like me.

And in finding that, I loved me(Him) with every scar WE caused.

It seems throwing everything out only worked for the things you bought.

Sarah’s Interlude

A brief interlude. Speaking the truth needed and been approved. People call me a beast but I fit a fool. Cried brief on my sheets, tears be my food. Huh, I speak now so you know what it look like. Plane crash before it took flight. Meaning it was just a season when it looked right. Wanting to be with her (him)I’m the cool type. Yeah, I remember the day by the fire place. Feeling Serene wanna fly away. You see I framed that whole moment in my time and space. Wanna say the L word how times have changed. No more, but we were never we just you and I.I thought we would be ‘coz of bluish skies. Who knew grey clouds still brewed inside. A storm unseen right through my eyes. I’m writing with my heart now, asking did she (he)ever love me and. Does she(he) love another and. I pause for a second since some are saying. True love came I wanna know will it come again. Which woman (man)will fan the flame. So much going on in a major way. But my sights are on me and not God. I read Psalm 73 see outpour. And seek out more to grow in love with the Father. Coz if she(he) don’t love I know He will. Is this verse a recipe for disaster. Heart worn on my sleeve so you know its real. I’m still talking to Stephen (Sarah)he(She) know the deal. Wise words so I heed make sure he spill. Man, Lord Jesus I know you will. But draw me close so my soul is healed. – S.O, Stephen’s interlude

I was the cloth I thought you wanted. Needed. I remember how I wiped your tears and although maybe. Sometimes I caused them I wiped them. I remember nights of keeping you warm and those afternoons cooling you down.

How you held me. How I felt in your arms. The sheer delight you had in your eyes when you looked at me. They sparkled. Honestly. Beautifully. How I loved to look at them and noticed how curly your eyelashes are. It was then I fell in love with everything you had to offer.

Touch. Smile. Eyes.

But it seems you grew tired of my holes. Of these worn out edges that came with caring for you. Of these stains that stayed when I wiped up my heart which bled when you cut it with some type of love you loved me with. It seems that new microfiber, antibacterial cloth they sell got you forgetting about me. I knew it when you walked into the store that day. When you walked away from me on the 4th of July. And how I knew that was the last time I would get to touch those beautiful eyes of yours.

I just wonder,

Do you ever,

Think of me,

Anymore, do you?

It hasn’t been long. But it feels like its been forever since I was discarded outside. Left torn and stained. I wonder if you would ever remember the tears I wiped or the laughs I saw? I wonder if when you really wanted me if you actually did and now that you got a ‘better’ cloth if you never want anything to do with me?

How my pillows are continually soaked from these tears and how my function of drying tears no longer works. How these walls wish they could pick me up to a washing machine and how they wish they could comfort me. How I wished for somebody, anybody to take these pictures in my head and put them far away because they are torturing me.

Because hitting the delete button only worked on my phone.

But still I rise.

And maybe its selfish but still when the morning comes I rise, put on my smile and walk into work with my head a little lower than usual but nonetheless high

I rise because I have to. Because i have come to accept that maybe you only wanted the cloth for that season because it was there, easy and available. And maybe that thought brings comfort.

You are now something I did. And maybe that’s exactly what you wanted.

You are now the memory I knew you will be. But still I hope you remember what I will never forget.

Its spin cycle now, because somehow someone got me to the washing machine. And this pressure and cold is really stretching my fibres apart. I saw Him walk past. Soon. It will be over.

Bring me flowers- Hope

Do you- Neyo

LOWS AND HIGHS

Maybe the sunshine makes me cold because of you.

But maybe I am also giving more importance to you than I should.

Maybe. I have come to terms that I may be doing that now. Maybe.

Why do I keep chasing something that bids me not to run?

Maybe its because of that one morning in Barcelona where hearts were open. It was then I loved you. Maybe I still do thats why this is hard.

‘I don’t want to be something you didn’t do’

But maybe you want that for a forever that was only temporary because forever isn’t really for ever?

Maybe

And I have come to hate the disgrace I have brought on me. These tears are not bound to my room alone. I wipe my tears of my brother’s sleeve, wondering if anyone could see/feel what I do.

Maybe the tears are falling because of the sunshine, or because the cold now brings joy?

Maybe because I thought you would be the same as me, and I was right.

But in this storm, I saw Him walking on water. The last I saw Him was on the mountain top so what is He doing here? Maybe I am dreaming. But to stay in this boat will be the death of me.

And suicide, mother didn’t know either. That other side seen but just let me go deeper. And so you get the message, I’ll put it in perspective I was waking up at night asking am I still elected Or rather was I ever, wanting to die since that’s better than living life as a hostage in time. Am I crossing the line? Here’s some thoughts in my mind – S.O

I could not ask for a better way of describing my new job than the words above. http://wp.me/p1uQOd-oJ

Maybe my tears are an indication of been scared to be happy without you.

Maybe

Back to the boat. With waves rocking, boats shaking. I look around to see panic on their faces. And somehow all the faces are mine. Same voice different words. Stay or jump. And with the shore so far away the most likely choice is to jump.

Is this my fault? Did I not heed the warning signs? Weather all week has been rough yet I decide to go ‘boat racing’. In a race for a prize that isn’t even promised. And a prize that may not want to be won. Strange. Well I’m here now and I’m sinking fast.

‘if it is You, bid me to come’

‘come’

It wasn’t a dream. There was peace and quiet. The others looked on as I stepped out and walked on water. Until I was a flash of the prize then suddenly I was sinking. That’s when He reached out and caught me

So maybe I am walking on water.

And this pain will not last. Storms always come to an end. I pray you do not sink.

(So I ask myself) Why are you downcast my soul, hope in the Lord/See Him hanging there on the pole for the filthest thoughts/The most wicked of hearts, He died for you S know it/This is truth, objective how do you then blow/Repentance and faith, bear fruit man show it/Have that cross up in face endure and know Him/Be strong in the grace that’s found solely in Him/Satan will pray tricks by reminding you of your sin/But He died for them all, remember Calvary again/Never let it leave your brain/and things will never be the same/The Lamb of God was truly slain, rose up from the grave though/And justified in His name up the praise go!/Yeah, and that will never change/This that high up on the ride that I better crave/My help and my God who is centre stage/And His Spirit in I no better way/- S.O

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2014:22-34

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lp59jnybY1A

this is for us. The ones in the storm. The ones fighting everyday. Peace will come. x

‘its definitely hard, cant say it isn’t.’

HELP ME BELIEVE

these are the lyrics to a song by Kirk Franklin called help me believe. To all those going through a difficult period like myself, these lyrics are very encouraging like the prayer we should pray but know we cant. Tough times come and sometimes they are near impossible to endure. but after a while, we will be ok.

[Intro]
I just want to write you a letter I got to very honest but um I really don’t know how to say this[Verse I]
I wanna believe
But I’m having a hard time seeing past what I see right now
I see right now I wanna be free
But when I try to fly I realize I don’t know how
No one one showed me how
Wish I could see
That this mess I’m in will really work out for my good
You said it would
So if You can hear me
Can You give me a sign
‘Cause I don’t feel You like I should
Please if You could
My faith is almost gone
I can’t hold on much longer
Take this cup from me

[Chorus]
Help me believe
Can I believe
Let me believe
I wanna believe
I’m no good on my own
Please give me another chance
It’s hard to believe
In what I can’t see
To give You my will
‘Cause Your will is better for me
You can look in my eyes and see
I wanna believe
Believe [3x]

[Verse II]
I wanna believe
If I never hear I’m sorry I can let it go
Gotta let You go
Cause it’s killing me
Jesus, You know how it feels ’cause You’ve been hurt before
Don’t wanna hurt no more
I’m trying to hear You speak
But my heart is growing weaker
Take this cup from me

[Chorus II]
Help me believe
Can I believe
Let me believe
I wanna believe
I’ve been here before and I cant take that hurt again
But it’s hard to believe
In what i can’t see
To give You my will cause Your will is better for me
You can look in my eyes and see
I wanna believe
Believe [6x]

[Verse III]
I wanna believe
When I close my eyes on this side
I’ll wake up with You
More in love with You
And finally you will say my race it is over
And my work is through
‘Cause I believed in You
I know dark nights will come
And somedays there will be no sunshine
And You’s too far to see

[Repeat Chorus]

[Believe 32x]

oh one more thing- GOD STILL HEALS.