It’s true
Just mentions of the places we have been to together triggers emotions
I wonder how it’s been so long and I am still locked in place like a lock and key model from science at GCSE
It’s that time of the night
Where whispers of my past interrupt with my thoughts for the future
3am knows all my secrets. My pressure points and weaknesses
struggling to see by my laptop light as i write these tears in my journal.
It’s the usual
how and why did I cause myself so much pain?
4am
Dig deeper.
Forget how useful the branches look and get to the root.
He was my sin, a pain I once loved and held on too dearly
Difficult to swallow- take responsibility for your part
His interlude
2.45am
Did I love her?
Or was she just accessible and readily available
Was it love?
Or a mere like because I was fascinated by her
A high school crush like feeling been experience now that I am in university
She was different from the rest
And I was draw to that not really understanding it or stopping to think if I could handle it
4.30am her
Sarah it’s time to lay to rest
Yh it was real nice
But the devil wears Prada
And boy did it look good
Got you thinking don’t it
You aint no victim
Release the pain and let healing flow
Rest will come if you sit by still waters
He’s waiting. Go on up
Christ compels you.
Last year I learnt about heartbreak that left me gasping for the very air I breathe
Taking me higher and leaving me breathless whilst still tryna perform CPR on me
And in this year I found love
And loves shaped as a cross
And it’s coloured red
And I can’t believe I was standing in his presence asking for love but accepting a cheap imitation of it elsewhere
If you haven’t seen the movie or read the book. Please do!
“i loved you on purpose
i was open on purpose
And even though it didn’t seem like it I did. With scars and open wounds. I made that decision. And I was to face the consequences. Maybe for you it was the first day you saw me, for me it took a while. I know what hasty decisions can feel like but still it would seem that ‘after loving you assiduously for 8 months 2 wks & a day’ it was a hasty decision. And I am reminded of your words ‘ I don’t care if you open to me.. if two days later you will break up with me’ in the midst of loving you and crying at the same god damn time!
i still crave vulnerability & close talk
yet now I am rendered useless to another.
& i’m not even sorry bout you bein sorry
you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna
just dont give it to me
Don’t you dare blame this on me. Its too much of an insult to carry along with knowing you were going to be a memory but carrying on anyway. And of course I had my part to play and youre not even sorry. I just don’t know you anymore.
i cant use another sorry
next time
you should admit
you’re mean/ low-down/ triflin/ & no count straight out
and the truth is no matter how bad a picture I paint of you in my head, my hearts knows the different. So maybe you were telling lies and maybe you were truthful, even either what remains is I loved.
steada bein sorry alla the time
enjoy bein yrself”
enjoy the sunshine you have. You would never have to feel my cold again.
― Ntozake Shange, for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf
“Through my tears
I found god in myself
and I loved her fiercely”
― Ntozake Shange
They fell like racing cars in Indianapolis 500. Like I was going for the some-what-promised-prize. Like it ever meant a thing to you. So in the midst of my tears for you but really they were mine. I can no longer give you that honour.
Its not worth that.
I found a God who bleeds like me.
And in finding that, I loved me(Him) with every scar WE caused.
It seems throwing everything out only worked for the things you bought.
If birds of the same feather flock together then why do opposites attract?
If I seek to get then why did curiosity kill the cat?
If absence makes the heart grow fonder why am I out of your mind when I am out of sight?
And if the grass is greener on the other side, and home is where the heart is then why I am not happy with my home been on the opposite side?
Stillness
And as the arms wrap around her, her thoughts come alive
And he has no idea the very words he speaks illicts an opposite response in her mind.
‘for the rest of my life I want to be with you’
I cant be with him
I want to give you everything
There are some luxuries I cant afford
I want to make you happy
Like been happy
I will fight for you
I am so tired
We will be together forever
You will become a memory like everything
I love you
Another luxury too pricey for me
I want a future with you
And another
Two world will not co-exist. One will triumph.
How do opposites stay together?
Why did curiosity kill the cat?
Why did I leave your mind when I left your sight?
I think I love the idea of loving you without actually pausing for a second to think what love is? I think I love the idea of you fighting for me and yes as a woman I would expect that from a man but I also love the idea of fighting against you for me.
I am not ready like Alicia Keys.
But if thinking about you means anything
Then you mean the world to me
And if looking at you means something
Then boy, my eyes will not get its fill of you, my brain will not be satisfied with the images of you
Because they are not enough
Either will my hands get used to the habit of touching your body
Hey guys so this is just a quick update on what’s been happening with me so far this year.
Firstly, its 4 months into my black hair survival challenge (for more information read these previous posts http://sarahfynn.wordpress.com/2013/02/10/a-year-without-braids-or-weaves-whatt-a-black-girls-survival-guide/ ). And so far so good! I have been tempted yess lol to get my hair braided but fortunately the hustle of travelling all the way to London to get it done put me off! But I will have to get my hair weaved in June for something! I know. But I will let you know why soon
Ok so it was my birthday on the 22nd of April!!! Whoop whoop finally 20! I am so grateful to God for the addition of another year and to all those who wished me a happy birthday! I pray this year brings me more success, wonderful surprises and the continued development of close friendships and relationships.
So the real reason for this post? (Bear in mind its exam season!) I quickly wanted to share what I got for my birthday. (Also I have not updated my blog in a while). I got some really really nice gifts, some of which were a total surprise and some I really wanted. So quickly here are my presents. I also want to say thank you to all who got me something.
Anyway, I recently started getting into MAC ( I know I’m late but I didn’t want to jump into the HYPE just because) so I got my myself( for my birthday of course, the match master foundation, studio fix concealer and fix plus spray) and I loveee it. I also got the viva glam two lipstick(satin finish). During the Easter, Debenhams has a sale on their MAC lipsticks (12.60 not a huge difference but just enough for me to purchase two more lool) I bought the candy yum-yum lipstick (matte finish) because it was soo hyped, I got it and it’s not even that great and the half and half (amplified finish). This was the first ever MAC lipstick I tried on last year and fell in love with it so obviously I had to get it and I LOVE it.
matchmaster foundation(9.0), fix plus and studio finish concealer (NW45)
So knowing this my friends got me four more MAC lipsticks!!!!
Ruby Woo (retro matte) – my girls are so proud of me for getting this. Apparently (true) all my lipsticks are neutral colours lool but hey you can’t blame me for that lol.
Pink nouveau (satin) – I like this better than the candy yum-yum.
Up the amp (amplified) – the most amazing purple lipstick everrrr.. LOVEE
Angel (frost)- also one of the MAC lipsticks I fell in love with
from top to bottom: up the amp, angel, half and half, viva glam 2, pink nouveau, candy yum-yum and ruby woolipstick collection
Perfumes
I have 6 perfumes already not a massive collection so I was planning on getting some more. Insert birthday insert presents 3 new sexy perfumessss
Roberto cavali aqua- I have been wearing this all week. I love love love the same of this. This perfume came with a free gift; a large golden bag which will be great for when I have to start travelling. Love the smell love the bottle top for some reason
Coco Chanel- perfect mistake. I told my friends to get me the Coco Mademoiselle( you know the one with keira Knightley in the advert? The pink one?) But they forgot and got me this one instead. This is okay because I love this scent. It’s such a classic ridiculously expensive perfume (lol). Love it and you know I will only be wearing it on special occasions. ( Still contemplating if I should get the Coco Mademoiselle)
Calvin Klein one- I dislike strong perfume and this one is quite strong. I was happy to get a CK perfume but I’m not a big fan of this scent. Hmm maybe it will grow on me.
CK one, Coco chanel and roberto cavaliperfume collection: right to left: armani code, christina augilleria, ghost, CK one, roberto cavalli, thierry mugler angel, rihanna nude, estee lauder sensuous noir
I love bags. Omdz. Walk into my room and I have all manner of bags. In particular, I love the structured-put-me-down-and-i-will-still-shine-bright-like-a-diamond kind of bags( I just made that up but you know the office structured bags)yh. So my girl got me the Zara office bad in black and boy. I loveee that bag. It’s got so many different compartments. I used that bag for 3 days and I still have not used some of the compartments in it loool. That bag is now beside my other Zara bag( you know the large shopper bag that was the HYPE last year?)
THE ZARA BIRTHDAY BAG… LOVEEEEEEE
structured bag collection- back- zara bags, front- black- random purchase from ebay, orange- boohoo
Shout out to my lovely brother who got me an itouch last year and an iPad this year.. Now obviously I had to do some co-ordination so since my laptop and itouch were already white, I asked him to get me a white iPad. Plus I got a white case for it ( guys you have to check out acme made cases for iPad and laptops! It’s so slim, not bulky and water resistant. http://www.acmemade.co.uk/product/The-Skinny-Sleeve-Fits-all-iPads,38,3.htm I loveee it oh my. I already started downloading so many apps for it( he went all out 64 gig)
all white everything white then a black nexus lool excuse the background. its exam seasonacme made ipad case
I also got a 2 asos dresses
lovely bodycon low back dress( cant wait to rock thisss)casual blue midi bodycon dress
2 earrings
multi coloured one is from misguided, dunno about the other one
With birthday money
Asos wedges
I bought a new camera- all the pictures were shot with it. canon powershot A810 HD
I’m also thinking of buying new conserves but I haven’t decided if I should or not.
So guys these are what I got and I am really grateful for everyone who came to my lunch( since we are all under a lot of pressure and that epic fail afterwards when we said we would go to the library lol), all everyone who called me as well or text or instagram or tweeted me God bless you.
End of post getting back to my revision. I am in the library.
I will be doing swatches of my lipsticks at some point in life, but not now, not when I have impending papers.. Second year uni student!
sarah fynn 
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