It’s true
Just mentions of the places we have been to together triggers emotions
I wonder how it’s been so long and I am still locked in place like a lock and key model from science at GCSE
It’s that time of the night
Where whispers of my past interrupt with my thoughts for the future
3am knows all my secrets. My pressure points and weaknesses
struggling to see by my laptop light as i write these tears in my journal.
It’s the usual
how and why did I cause myself so much pain?
4am
Dig deeper.
Forget how useful the branches look and get to the root.
He was my sin, a pain I once loved and held on too dearly
Difficult to swallow- take responsibility for your part
His interlude
2.45am
Did I love her?
Or was she just accessible and readily available
Was it love?
Or a mere like because I was fascinated by her
A high school crush like feeling been experience now that I am in university
She was different from the rest
And I was draw to that not really understanding it or stopping to think if I could handle it
4.30am her
Sarah it’s time to lay to rest
Yh it was real nice
But the devil wears Prada
And boy did it look good
Got you thinking don’t it
You aint no victim
Release the pain and let healing flow
Rest will come if you sit by still waters
He’s waiting. Go on up
Christ compels you.
Last year I learnt about heartbreak that left me gasping for the very air I breathe
Taking me higher and leaving me breathless whilst still tryna perform CPR on me
And in this year I found love
And loves shaped as a cross
And it’s coloured red
And I can’t believe I was standing in his presence asking for love but accepting a cheap imitation of it elsewhere
If you haven’t seen the movie or read the book. Please do!
“i loved you on purpose
i was open on purpose
And even though it didn’t seem like it I did. With scars and open wounds. I made that decision. And I was to face the consequences. Maybe for you it was the first day you saw me, for me it took a while. I know what hasty decisions can feel like but still it would seem that ‘after loving you assiduously for 8 months 2 wks & a day’ it was a hasty decision. And I am reminded of your words ‘ I don’t care if you open to me.. if two days later you will break up with me’ in the midst of loving you and crying at the same god damn time!
i still crave vulnerability & close talk
yet now I am rendered useless to another.
& i’m not even sorry bout you bein sorry
you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna
just dont give it to me
Don’t you dare blame this on me. Its too much of an insult to carry along with knowing you were going to be a memory but carrying on anyway. And of course I had my part to play and youre not even sorry. I just don’t know you anymore.
i cant use another sorry
next time
you should admit
you’re mean/ low-down/ triflin/ & no count straight out
and the truth is no matter how bad a picture I paint of you in my head, my hearts knows the different. So maybe you were telling lies and maybe you were truthful, even either what remains is I loved.
steada bein sorry alla the time
enjoy bein yrself”
enjoy the sunshine you have. You would never have to feel my cold again.
― Ntozake Shange, for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf
“Through my tears
I found god in myself
and I loved her fiercely”
― Ntozake Shange
They fell like racing cars in Indianapolis 500. Like I was going for the some-what-promised-prize. Like it ever meant a thing to you. So in the midst of my tears for you but really they were mine. I can no longer give you that honour.
Its not worth that.
I found a God who bleeds like me.
And in finding that, I loved me(Him) with every scar WE caused.
It seems throwing everything out only worked for the things you bought.
Hey guys I hope everyone is doing well at the moment, happy Easter in advance.
So I wanted to share something a bit personal to me and that is my Christianity. So I have been a Christian all my life and like always there is be hard times. And I find myself going through that recently so I thought it would be encouraging to hear from close friends and family what Christianity meant to them and their views on it etc. So I did a mini survey and the answers I got back were quite interesting. These are the questions I asked
What does been Christian or Christianity mean to you? And before you were a Christian or since you have been Christian, have you ever doubted the existence of God or your whole beliefs?
It was interesting to hear what others had to say and I found it so encouraging. So if you are going through a similar situation maybe you would find this encouraging.
Yeah. I have. Not “openly” per se. But when I studied religion and philosophy a-level I found it really hard to fit my beliefs in God to what was being taught.
But too much has happened to me. And if not for the fact that in my head I believed that there is a supreme being taking care of me, I wouldn’t be here today. No lie.
That in itself is evidence to me. I’m one of those ‘logical’ thinking people. Things are always mapped out in my head. And I try as much as possible to stick to it. That’s why when things don’t go to plan I basically go mad. i.e.: a-level results/Uni time. When I feel like things aren’t going to plan I struggle and obviously it’s coz I find it hard to give it all up to God. But 2013/2014 has taught me so much. Right now I’m at a stage where I’m beginning to understand that God matters more than anything in my life. Career, future, money, family… All of that don’t mean much. Coz this world has gone cold. So I now feel like Christ is the best decision for me. Hasn’t been easy coz I think about certain things and think so God u actually for real??! Like I said I’ve never said or spoke about this. It’s been very private thoughts. I don’t know if that’s even a good thing tbh. What does being Christian mean to me now? Well, now, it’s my life. Literally. I can’t think of any other way to actually be able to live. It’s all through the ‘most high’. Taken me ages to get there. Last summer we spent a lot of time with Ps Wiseborn and it’s through that or from there that I gained some confidence about all this and from there I actually feel loved by God. He loves me. – Amazing tbh. It’s taken me a long while to fall in love with myself. There are things I don’t like bout myself. He sees all this and loves me completely?? To me it’s mind blowing. And that’s what I hold on to.
Being a Christian means following Christ, having my relationship with the Trinity. Never doubted God’s existence. My only doubts were that He didn’t love me as much as other people because of the pain I felt. That’s gone now
To me it’s all about finally being reconnected with God In a real and palpable way I owe God my existence and would one give account of the life he has given me I would otherwise be unable to come before God because for birth I’ve done things that would mean I can’t be in the presence of God without his holiness naturally destroying me But God in Christ made a way for me to be reconnected with him by paying for my sin on the cross Before properly being baptised by the Holy spirit at some point I did doubt at some. Points God’s existence but it was always for selfish reasons by His grace having been baptised by the Holy spirit I can’t see anything that would change my mind about what I’ve seen I now have constant relationship with God which is evidenced every day and which strengthened my faith in a daily basis
Christianity means is I have a relationship I have with the creator of this earth and that’s a privilege, because I love him so much so will love making him happy and by doing that he protects me and blesses me all the same. There are times as Christians we been though so many and doubt God’s ability but He always cones through and proves us wrong and shows us how great He is
Before I became born again, I was just growing and part of Sunday school so I’ve always known there’s a God, who created heaven and earth and since then I don’t remember ever doubting my beliefs as a Christian. Christianity is a way of life , it is like being a disciple, who wants to be like Jesus and have a good relationship with God by following His statutes and living according to the Bible
My opinion is what Christianity means to me is to have a relationship with God. There were times that things hadn’t gone my way and I was frustrated but I ask God for strength to get me through my battles
Being a Christian to me is a Lifestyle. Living your life based on the teaching of Christ. But u can’t really be living by his teaching if u don’t believe in him or what his purpose was fir mankind No I have never doubted his existence
Christianity = being able to live the life Christ lived when he was on earth through grace and mercy
To a Christian is an individual who has accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as their Lord and personal saviour. By doing that as well they have formed a covenant with God that they now belong to Him. Through that they are granted salvation. Also being a Christian is not just by mouth, a true Christian follows and lives a right way of life according to the word of God and strives their best to obey God’s word in all aspects of their life. Before I became a Christian I didn’t doubt the existence of God however I wanted to experience His power and because I didn’t known how to I went a bit wayward lool but God found me and brought me to the light lol
Being a Christian or Christianity to me is actually a way of life where after having accepted the Lord as my personal saviour I strive to be like Jesus Christ in my daily walk with him and try to have a personal relationship with him. So I try my best with the help of the Holy Spirit so others might see Jesus in me. There has not been a day I doubted the existence of God or my beliefs because for me everything around me and things that happens around tells me He exists. Not withstanding there has been some challenging times my faith has been challenge like losing hope. but I thank God I get on my feet as soon as I can
There might be another part in this post because there are so many more people I asked and I am still waiting for a reply. If you have been in this situation before or you are currently in a similar one, do not lose hope, soon you will be back in His presence. If you would like to share your story with me, you can leave a comment on this post or drop me an email.
totally unrelated but funny picture for enlightenment as always!
Nothingness the hollow six inches between my ears
She becomes the hypocrite she knows herself to be
It’s not enough
And in this instance
Knowledge did not bring power
Either did experience come with wisdom
Let me crash and burn
For my engine although worn out won’t stop until a crash
The last stop before the cliff edge
Is when I thought I stopped for water
I am her
Her locked in this glass box
So I think I am making progress
But I am locked into place
Sorrow sobs turn into screams that must be swallowed. Tears like rivers that run down my face.
“Buzz buzz”
Back straight. Eye open. Pupils dilate to let in that glimmer of lights in the room. You’re alerted to another being’s presence. – It’s just a fly.
“Oh God, I can’t do this’ if I have to fake another smile and hide bags enough that I could crawl into underneath my eyes I would not know what to do. But as I work my mac nc45 into my skin, I am doing the exact opposite of what I planned for a Friday night.
I wish it was as easy as breathing. Wrong for breathing in itself it’s a task that requires energy and involves a bunch of chemical reactions of which I could name but do not have the time. So no it can’t be easy as that.
False hope. Blue Skies grey clouds in a drought does not guarantee rain
And so my heart broke when I took my umbrella
That buzz of the fly that I keep hearing
It’s a cycle. Like my old bike I had when I was 9 years old. The worn rubber tires removed so that the metal frame was left. And every time I rode, I could see traces of where I had been but not where I was going. Not yet. But in that moment been the present and at the same time the future of the past but not been able to predict the next future, unless I keep riding. And the tracks that would ensue. And psychology will tell me hindsight bias means I knew it would happen all along.
But if the past is the only indication I have of my future, and if habits are so hard to break then what hope do I have left?
Let me end on this note; the cross is for my salvation.
It’s a word I thought I knew. And I know you thought you knew it too. A definition so true and a mind so conscious of it yet a life lived to the contrary.
It’s like a bus journey. Am at the bus stop knowing where I want to get to. It’s clear what buses I must take because obviously I got my Google maps on my blackberry( the latest I should add) and the obvious fact that it says so on the bus timetable too. Standing here, rain, wind, a shelter shared with an old lady who keeps her Chanel handbag as close to her as possible, with the odd stares at me. Moving at my slightest hesitation. (I should have told her I wasn’t interested in stealing her Iphone4 or Prada purse or the two 50 pound notes in it, maybe I wanted the orbit chewing gum. Maybe. Yh I could see its contents clearly but how and why does this lady who I presume it about 65 years old have such things? The thought makes me smile. I taste a raindrop that falls on my teeth. Salty.) But if I did that, the sheer shock of it would scare her half to death and I really don’t want to go to jail at the moment. I got a life to live. Well am trying to live this life.
Life. and almost instantly I’m transported into that world. Memories. Running through and fro. Clouds seem to darken, rain hits harder and there I was in that world standing with my pink Primark umbrella which is doing a very bad job of keeping me dry.
And whilst am still here, a bus arrives and I can’t really see the number but I hop on. Anything to get me away from this place. Oyster card beeps. Green. Well let’s go then. Green. I know he sees the reflection of the colour in my dark eyes. Green.
Colours, they seem to matter too. Because my mind thinks it’s so clever linking colours to words to memories to places then people. So when I see the colour green, it stimulates a chain reaction in my mind and the end result is always him. You. And it’s always to that place because well that’s the colour associated with that place. Green.
Faint smile.
Windows. The rain hits hard against them. In a drop I see the relief of the woman! Her legs seem longer, she seems taller! Lawrd don’t tell me she was holding her breath!
Windows- a shield against this rain. It seems to me they want to purposely get on me. Fighting hard against these windows that are innocent. As a matter of fact, these things are the only ones that have put up a fight for me… wet. Jeans. Rain is getting on me. An open window.
move.
My journey! Yes.
I check my phone. It says am going the wrong way.
The honk of a car.
The bark of a dog
A Cry of a cold baby
Rain hits my eye (I know my mascara will run). Blurred vision.
Am standing at the bus stop with this old lady. She’s still here. But I thought I got on a bus?
“But how I can change lines just like that?
From northern line to London midlands?
No it’s not a journey you pre book tickets for
Only to be collected the train station and discarded after the journey has ended!”
But what bus am I waiting on? I check my blackberry (low battery. Typical!)
‘Enter destination’
At that moment I knew, I wasn’t getting home anytime soon. If I hadn’t entered the postcode whilst I was there the last time then I don’t have it and I can’t seem to remember.
(This either means I have to find my own way or get a better phone with a longer battery life. I agree with the latter.) If only I could make one call
“To show like a missed call
But maybe when my minutes come
I may give you a buzz
Send a text
To let you know I was busy (and lost)
So busy that even my voicemail couldn’t answer
The last time you called?
It didn’t even ring twice and I answered
But now I check my phone log
Did you call?
Or did I call you
When I had no minutes?
Maybe that’s why I got a busy tone
And my phone charges went up”
I look up to this this woman staring at me. I know she can tell am pissed and she knows I can tell she’s even more afraid. But would she risk getting out her IPhone and calling the police? No. she wouldn’t.
I try to look out ahead trying to find my way through the rain. Trying to recognise the place I’m at, at the moment. Maybe my clever brain would recognise I have been here before and try and remember how to get me home.
15 mins later
It’s no good.
The word we both thought we knew? Meant a lot but we treated it as nothing. Playing with fire and hoping not to get burnt but fully knowing the scars it capable of leaving. Why? Because we both have been near this fire and been scotched by its heat alone however we seem to think we are ‘fireproof’ even though our suits seem to melt each time we get closer to it.
This time, fire wasn’t playing with us.
Heat.
But I was so sure. I knew. I was convinced because my knowledge of it stood the tests of time meant I passed the test too. But the signs were clearly shown. And I knowedgebly chose to ignore the signs.
*sighs*
I must keep going. It needed to be put out. Somehow. And my tears weren’t enough, either was the past and the pain seemed to increase the intensity of the fire. Those fire extinguishers did not work. Either did the fire blanket too. This type of fire? Needed something new. The heat was draining, causing the waters of my soul to evaporate. I almost died of thirst! (Frowns)
But you look so happy.
“So maybe this was a PS3
And you can changed games because you were losing at it
Switched controllers and reset setting s
To suit whatever mood you were in!”
But it’s a bus journey. With a never ending final destination but bus stops seem to be a place of shelter till the same bus with the same driver comes along. Each time. Without fail.
It’s a never ending final destination because well it never ends.
And by now you should have guessed what I have been trying to illustrate.
sarah fynn 
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